Sharing a secret
Dating someone new means sharing idiosyncracies, emotional baggage, and experiences that have shaped your lives. But what if that includes a health secret?
Jill*, a 33-year-old New Yorker, knows that finding Mr. Right also means telling him she has bipolar disorder. Though she takes medication, she still lives with symptoms like insomnia and a nervous smoking habit.
So how much should you reveal about a health secret? If you�re considering spilling the beans, here are eight tips to help.
Practice what to say
Rehearse with a friend or therapist, says Ken Robbins, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin�Madison.
Laurie Davis, an online dating expert, suggests asking a friend what sounds most intimidating and then smoothing it over.
Mark Snyder, a 32-year-old writer from New York City, used to dread telling a new boyfriend that he was a recovering alcoholic. �I often blurted out, �Oh, I don�t drink. Sorry.��
However, as he got used to talking about his condition, "so did the ease with which I told a man not to expect a tequila-scented smooch at the end of the night,� he says.
Never tell on a first date
�Never tell someone on a first date,� says Davis, who is based in New York and Boston.
That doesn�t mean you should lie, but revealing too much too soon �may color how your partner sees you,� Dr. Robbins says. �It defines you before you�re ready to be defined.�
If you�re worried your health secret might be a deal-breaker, �fess up by the fourth date, says Rachel A. Sussman, LCSW, a New York City therapist and relationship expert. That way, if your secret does make a big difference, you won�t have wasted too much of their time�or yours.
Be casual yet confident
Davis suggests saying, �I feel like we�re heading in a great direction, so I wanted to tell you something.�
Be sure your delivery is drama free; don't make a big deal about it, Dr. Robbins says.
Allison*, a 30-year-old marketer from Baltimore, casually tells dates about her multiple sclerosis (MS).
�I�ll work it into another aspect of our conversation,� she says. �It�s a lot easier to tell someone I have MS as a side note in a conversation than to sit down and have a formal discussion focused solely on MS.�
Don�t have this conversation in bed�or anyplace you associate with intimacy
Amy, a 29-year-old graphic artist from Chicago, always tells boyfriends about her hepatitis C, which she got through a blood transfusion at birth. �They have a right to know,� she says.
Any talk about your condition�whether it�s communicable or not�should take place in a neutral spot, like a park, Davis suggests. �Do not tell your partner during intimacy. Telling your partner your health secret means you are opening up to them, trusting them, and becoming more vulnerable,� she says. �The place you choose to tell them should reflect this.�
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