<<Print>>

A 28-year-old woman who was married for four years confessed that the last Christmas was the best in her marriage. Her husband made time for her, went out with her often and gave her lots of gifts. She also understood why the bed was the best man-made tool for the body and stress relief. Her man was so good that she instinctively knew he had something up his sleeves. She was right. Only four days into the New Year, her man woke her up at midnight with a bombshell. �I want a divorce�. He gave no reasons but insisted he wanted out. The woman was shocked but no amount of pleading worked. The man is on his way out. Why divorce? In the past, experts tried to list major and minor causes of divorce but now there is no such thing. Every marriage is different so what appears minor may be a big deal to some partners. This may explain why a man left his wife because when she prepared fufu she did not put �koobi� or salted fish into the soup! Many leave when their emotional needs are not met. A man�s topmost needs are respect, sex, attractive wife and domestic care. A woman�s topmost needs are affection, companionship, family commitment and financial security. We can, however, say that money, parenting, sex and in-laws have been some of the common causes of divorce. Interestingly, there is no time or age limit to divorce. Divorce is, however, commonest in the formative or first four years as partners attempt to adapt to themselves. One of my clients� marriage lasted just a day, and there are cases of spouses leaving after 50 years of marriage. It is also a fact that men leave marriages more than women. Interestingly in many cases when a man leaves, the issue may have nothing to do with the woman but the man. Anything that breaks a man�s ego such as impotence and business failure may cause him to leave his marriage because he no longer sees himself as man enough to marry. On the other hand, since a woman finds emotional security in marriage she is prepared to stay and work things out. Effect of divorce Irrespective of who is the cause, divorce causes a great physical, emotional, mental and spiritual harm to the individual. You develop greater anger, bitterness, distrust, stress and depression which predispose you to many diseases, including high blood pressure, stroke and heart failure. Spiritually, divorce is a great sin because you break what God says must not be broken. Divorce has harmful effects on children. They develop trauma and lack of confidence in themselves and society. They tend to be poor performers, especially in academics. They also tend to be unforgiving and revengeful. There is also a 75 per cent chance that their future marriages will fail. Our mothers know better and would stay in a bad marriage for the sake of their children. Marriage is a microcosm of the health of the society. The society, therefore, becomes weaker with increasing divorce. The high level of indiscipline in our society can, therefore, be traced to our failing marriages. Do you want divorce? Studies show that 75 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men think they married the wrong partner. It is also known that January has a significantly high rate of divorce. Many who have the intention of leaving decide to enjoy the Christmas before doing so. In some cases, the reckless lifestyle and financial waste ignite the bomb. If you think you want to leave, you are not alone. You may have myths of life after divorce but the truth is once you leave, it is almost over for you. Divorce has never been a solution but the problem. This explains why 95 per cent of partners who leave regret their action. One expert, Brooks, says there are 10 ways of putting out fire but running away is not one of them. Your marriage will work if even you alone work at it. An Akan axiom says bad marriage is better than divorce. False. Fact is nothing in life can be worse than divorce. A marriage psychologist says it is worse than a major surgery without anesthesia because the pains never go away. If you ever think of divorce, switch it off your mind. Just do not run to divorce. Flee for your dear life. Never make divorce an option in your life. Never! ([email protected]). The writer is the Director of Eudoo Counseling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of Your Guide to Marriage, Love Unlimited and The Journey of Love. Mobile 0208181861