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It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a fire outbreak in Sikaman. The first challenge is which number to call, and will the call go through whether you are using a landline or mobile? Two years ago, Zain instituted some numbers we could use to reach the Fire service, Police and Ambulance service during emergencies (http://www.modernghana.com/blogs/198971/31/zain-ghana-connects-to-toll-free-emergency-call-nu.html). I called each of those numbers as I wrote this article; response: "The Airtel number you are calling is switched off." I googled and found that the Service's website is http://www.ghanafireandrescue.org/. On the site, we are advised to "Call 192- from a neighbour's phone, phone booth or mobile phone, call the Fire Service on 192. Tell them you are reporting fire at (give vivid location of fire)." I decided to try it and call the number from my Airtel mobile. Response: "The number you are calling cannot be reached." The second challenge is how to give directions to your house, if it is a domestic fire, for a quick response. Our street naming system in Sikaman is still not functional, despite the good work done so far by Google Maps. I doubt the Fire Service know about Google maps though, and in any case, even where street names exist, there are no signposts to help them. Pray that the fire outbreak is not in the evening or at dawn, because the most significant links in any direction instructions in Sikaman work only during the day - the groundnut seller, the waakye seller, Alhaji meat shop. Add the fact that most new developments in urban areas are way ahead of the ability or willingness of metropolitan and municipal authorities to catch up and the fear increases a thousand fold. Third challenge is that of accessibility to most homes. And if it is a fire in a market like Asafo or Makola, the fire tenders can only get to the main entrance of the market and continue the journey on foot, at best. To start the investigations and not to quench any fire. Then there is the issue of fire hydrants. Most of them are either non-existent or not functional. Fire tenders are known to rush to the venue where there is fire, only to complain that there is no 'water in the tender'. Hopefully, with the supply of 54 new fire tenders to the service this month, our Fire fighters can fight highrise building fires, above four storeys. Otherwise, pray that you don't fall into the hands of such a scenario, it will be fearful. It is a fearful thing to live in Sikaman and have a medical emergency in the night. You drive to the nearest private clinic/hospital (a nice flashy ultra modern facility that charge outrageous fees), so you can seek IMMEDIATE care, only to be told there is no doctor or they don't handle that kind of emergency so you end up going to the very far away government hospital by which time if you are not lucky things may have deteriorated. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a 'good school' in Sikaman. They fix fees as they please (some of the fees make you wonder if the children are actually in the Senior High school), whatever you say at the Parents Teachers Association (PTA) is not considered, and 5 year olds go through interviews for admission into KG2. Sharing his story, my pal Elijah Atta-Aidoo recounts: "I remember going through an interview at Akosombo International School back in 1990. I started vomitting when it got to the colors and shapes session. I guess I was either frightened or was just not ready for a drill of that sort before a panel of three." Indeed, as part of the preparations towards your 5-year old's interview, the parents need to pray for boldness, willingness to talk and a good mood for the child. Some children just decide not to speak at all at such interviews! Why blame them? I started school at age four, and definitely would have had nothing to say if I attended an interview at 5 years, in English! For the where! It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a hungry, angry, unemployed, disgruntled footsoldier in Sikaman. Especially if you are a government appointee, specifically a District or Municipal Chief Executive. You either get chased out of your office or have the President sack you for incompetence. Incompetence here is defined as the inability or willingness to deal favourably with the footsoldiers, including demands to award them road contracts. Many of these footsoldiers know not the difference between a shovel and a large spoon, except the fact that they look alike. Forget the difference in sizes. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a person selling land in Sikaman, be it a chief, a family member or a land agent. The first hurdle is how to get the proper document signed, and delivered to you. Secondly, you have to deal with the likelihood of that same portion of land being sold to three or four other persons. Then, the hussle of getting the land registered and transferred legally to you. Then, having gone through all that, if you are not ready to develop your land immediately, you have to pray that no one interpretes your lack of development of the land as lack of interest and builds on your behalf. His building. You have to remember to visit the land frequently to ensure such a person does not start the foundation. Otherwise, getting it demolished may take years. To solve all this, you may have to engage the services of the non-political footsoldier. He is called a land guard. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a fake pastor in Sikaman. It is becoming increasingly difficult to understand the proliferation of pastors in Sikaman, with all sorts of doctrines, names of their churches, and nicknames. And even wierder and varied are their ways of working. Some consult exclusively in hotels now. The temple of the Lord is no longer posh or adequate enough for them to use. I like to scan the radio stations from time to time to listen to some of the preaching and on-air consultations. Recently, I heard one of such pastors say that he now does emergency consultation, and was arguing that if any pastor tells you he doesn't charge, that pastor was lying or being insincere because the materials used for their work (annointing oil, and all manner of materials including coca cola, lime, oranges) needed to be purchased. And also airtime was expensive. Everyone who called into the program for advice was advised to come quickly to his church, for one-on-one consultation, because most of their problems certainly couldn't be taken by a prophetic word spoken by faith. It is indeed a fearful situation, when one ponders how easy it is to call one's self a pastor in Sikaman. It is fearful considering how gullible christians have become in this land of our birth. Quick fixes are what people look for. And that is why even though it is a fearful thing, many continue to fall into the hands of these fake pastors. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a mobile phone company in Sikaman. If there is rain, or threats of rain, know that you are going to have a useless handset in your hands soon. You meet a long lost friend in town, you want to 'flash' him so he can store your number, yet you get a message saying his phone cannot be reached. Yet he is standing right next to you, phone in full working order, blinking nicely. Ah, network problem. You don't know whether to wail in frustration, emit a hollow laugh, curse loudly or simply bite your lip till you draw blood. It is a fearful thing to access the private Ghanaian media. You pass by a news stand, and the plethora of newspapers jostling for prominence scream at you with their banner headlines proclaiming political armageddon. And in the vast number of cases, the headline does not reflect in the story. 'Minister whacks X' turns out to be that the minister simply chided X. You lick your lips in anticipation of a salacious story, only to come away dejected. You tune your radio expecting to hear debate and instead you wonder whether you are listening to haggling fishmongers on chorkor beach. Half literate sycophants of one party or the other hurl insults at each other with the speed of light in what passes for debate. Incoherent, ridiculous arguments. You trawl through the channels. Same story. Finally, you switch off, grab some APC tablets and lie down in a quiet, dark room till your migraine passes over. Fear Sikaman media and live long!