<<Print>>

Few couples like to admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. We have had our share of conflict and some of our disagreements have not been pretty. We could probably write a book on what not to do! Start with two selfish people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad habits and interesting idiosyncrasies, throw in a bunch of expectations, and then turn up the heat a little with the daily trials of life. Guess what? You are bound to have conflict. It�s unavoidable. Step One: Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting, and adjusting to your differences. One reason we have conflict in marriage is that opposites attract. Usually a task-oriented individual marries someone who is more people-oriented. People who move through life at breakneck speed seem to end up with spouses who are slower-paced. It�s strange, but that�s part of the reason why you married who you did. Your spouse added a variety, spice, and difference to your life that it didn�t have before. But after being married for a while (sometimes a short while), the attractions become repellents. You may argue over small irritations�such as how to properly squeeze a tube of toothpaste�or over major philosophical differences in handling finances or raising children. You may find that your backgrounds and your personalities are so different that you wonder how and why God placed you together in the first place. It�s important to understand these differences, and then to accept and adjust to them. Just as Adam accepted God�s gift of Eve, you are called to accept His gift to you. God gave you a spouse who completes you in ways you haven�t even learned yet. We were no exception. Perhaps the biggest adjustment we faced early in our marriage grew out of our differing backgrounds. I grew up in Ozark, Missouri, a tiny town in the southwestern corner of the �Show-Me� state. Barbara grew up in a country club setting near Chicago and later in Baytown, Texas. Barbara came into our marriage a refined young lady. I was a genuine hillbilly. It was as though we came from two different countries with totally different traditions, heritages, habits, and values. The differences became apparent early in our marriage. Take furniture, for example. Barbara had an Ethan Allen dream book and she was always looking at it. It was full of things made of solid cherry, solid walnut, solid mahogany. It was nothing for chairs to cost $189.95�per leg. I didn�t understand why she wanted to go buy this kind of stuff when, in southwest Missouri, you could go to K-Mart and get a formica table with chrome legs and six chairs! And for a lot less than $189.95. You can eat off that kind of table for years and it will never show any wear. So, how did we compromise? We bought an antique and I was expected to refinish it�which created an opportunity for another major difference in our backgrounds to surface. Barbara�s father was an engineer. He is mechanically gifted, can fix anything, and actually enjoys it. I�m convinced he could fix a nuclear reactor. My dad had a background in sales. Fixing things was not his idea of fun. If bailing wire or a little duct tape wouldn�t work, he usually called the plumber or whatever repairman was necessary. And so there we were, just married, with an antique table that needed refinishing. I went at it reluctantly, but I got it done. In some ways it saved our marriage in the early going. Step Two: Resolving conflict requires defeating selfishness. All of our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed what is undoubtedly the biggest source of our conflict�our selfish, sinful nature. Maintaining harmony in marriage has been difficult since Adam and Eve. Two people beginning their marriage together and trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended. The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago when he described basic human selfishness like this: �All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way� (Isaiah 53:6). We are all self-centered; we all instinctively look out for number one, and this leads directly to conflict. Marriage offers a tremendous opportunity to do something about selfishness. We have seen the Bible�s plan work in our lives, and we�re still seeing it work daily. We have not changed each other; God has changed both of us. The answer for ending selfishness is found in Jesus and His teachings. He showed us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must serve. Instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. In short, if we want to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all. As Philippians 2:1-8 tells us: Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. To experience oneness, you must give up your will for the will of another. But to do this, you must first give up your will to Christ, and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your spouse. Step Three: Resolving conflict requires pursuing the other person. Romans 12:18 says, �If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.� The longer I live the more I realize how difficult those words are for many couples. Living peaceably means pursuing peace. It means taking the initiative to resolve a difficult conflict rather than waiting for the other person to take the first step. To pursue the resolution of a conflict means setting aside your own hurt, anger, and bitterness. It means not losing heart. My challenge to you is to �keep your relationships current.� In other words, resolve that you will remain in solid fellowship daily with your spouse�as well as with your children, parents, coworkers, and friends. Don�t allow Satan to gain a victory by isolating you from someone you care about.