1. "Oooh, you're getting BIG." (In a terrible singsongy voice.)
You're probably just referring to my belly, which really is getting big. There's a baby in there, and she might become the president or marry Prince George or be a ballerina, or all three, and it's wonderful! But pregnant people already feel large, because they're actually two people. So as a golden rule, just avoid the word "big" and let the words "tiny" and "Gisele" flow freely.
2. "So� how much have you gained?"
Some people actually think a fun conversation topic would be disclosing how much weight you've gained. In what world?! I fully understand that a healthy pregnancy means gaining weight. But that doesn't mean I am excited about disclosing the precise numerical value of my all-time high number on the scale like some sort of reverse Biggest Loser finale.
3. [Leaving an emoji whale as a comment on one of my Instagrams.]
My brother did this recently, as a joke. Although I actually found it hilarious, as the whale emoji is underused, I still wouldn't advise it, generally speaking.
4. "Is that for YOU?" (While gazing at my beer.)
Yes, hostess at brunch, this apple-flavored craft beer is for me. It's one of the occasional beers I feel completely comfortable drinking, thanks to my doctor and various studies� and the fact that my grandmother drank occasional beers while pregnant with seven different children and they're all totally fine. Based on your condescending stare, you'd think I was Betty Draper resting a martini on my belly and smoking a cigarette. I'm saving that for post-birth, y'all!
5. "I really hope you're being careful."
So said a condescending fellow rider after spin class. Then, through gritted teeth, added, "because I had some complications." As much as I value advice from perfect strangers about my health � oh wait, I don't care at all about advice from perfect strangers about my health. I'm spinning with the support of my doctor �the same way runners continue to run and yogis namaste onward while pregnant. So just let us big bitches be.
<<Print>>