<<Print>>

Sometimes it feels like a scene from a courtroom when you listen to the logic, precision and fairness with which we make our points, almost comparable to a judge ruling on a case. And especially so when it involves issues concerning gender and how each sex should act in respect of the other. So I am inclined to add my voice to the raging debate on the Duncan Williams famous (or is it infamous) utterances on women and marriage (and why are they not talking about the men, is it because they are men? perhaps the women of God should be forthcoming, too). Actually, my interest to write on this issue is not solely based on the archbishop�s views but also on a similar sermon the head pastor of Christ Embassy Church, Pastor Chris Oyakhilome delivered some time back (and boy, am I curious to hear pastor Otabil�s views on it too; perhaps he may grant me this wish?), coupled with a conversation I overhead between two single women in my office about how their married friends are telling them (the unmarried ones) to take their time, and not rush into marriage. First, let me say I am a Christian, so believe in the Bible. I also believe in fairness and discretion. I believe the Bible was inspired by God but written by human beings who were influenced by their own biases, the culture of the times and the places they found themselves. That said, we can now proceed to the substance of the issue. Based on what I read on the news and social media, I was furious with the comments of the archbishop, and like Lydia Forson, immediately wanted to take to the social media and �free my mind� until I listened to the clip of his sermon (and I hope it wasn�t edited). In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with what the preacher said. (Did I hear you say what??? hold your horses and hear me out). From his speech, I believe he said women should be thankful to God for marriage; perhaps what he didn�t say, is what caused the problem, that men should be thankful too because it is a privilege for both parties not one. If you read the Bible and believe in it, then what he said should not come as a surprise, because the Bible tells women to be submissive to their husbands and men to love their wives. I believe that was the crux of the archbishop�s message, except for how he put it: �Sister, when you get married, be thankful and stop misbehaving because it�s seven to one. It doesn�t matter how pretty and beautiful and intelligent you are; until a man proposes to you, you are going to stay beautiful, pretty, intelligent, nice and whatever, and rotten.� It was tainted with male chauvinism along with other follow up comments I have read, including asking her to shelve her ego if she wants to marry. Now, allow me to tell you a little about myself and my perspective on marriage - pre and post marriage. I am currently in my fourth year of marriage, and God forgive me for this, but I lived with my husband for two years before we finally got married. (Daddy will kill me if he reads this.) So in all, we have been living together for six years now. First of all, you must understand my background. I was raised by my mum alone, though she was still married to my dad (Daddy was living abroad and taking care of us). I was born shortly after Dad left Ghana to seek greener pastures. The first time I saw my dad in person was when he came back after so long. Guess how old I was? I had just turned 20 years. So as a child who hadn�t grown up in the normal setting of marriage (husband and wife under the same roof), marriage was a bit of an abstract concept to me, which I entered into with my own hopes and fears, though the fear dominated. So I was in no hurry to get married and was actually considering postponing it to my thirties as I was more interested in building my career and developing myself, an act misconstrued by some as hating men and being bossy if not combined with marriage beyond �the marriage age� for women. Some ignorantly even called it feminism. I had so many questions.Would I be a good wife? Would I find the right man? Would he treat me well? Would he change for the worse at some point? All these and many more questions were whirling round in my head and fuelling my fears even more. And I must say that pronouncements like the ones uttered by these two men of God go a long way to fuel similar thoughts in many unmarried women, as they did me. These utterances unfortunately depict marriage as an institution in which as a woman you are inferior to the man, your views do not matter, and your intelligence is belittled. In my humble opinion, this is one of the biggest factors why women �rebel� (what the pastors call misbehaviour) in marriage. In as much as men have a natural ego, women of today, like it or not, also have �an acquired ego� brought on by their empowerment. So if you are today�s man who trumpets your ego and refuses to acknowledge this acquired ego of the �woman of today� that you seek to marry, then you have no business going in for her in the first place. So the men of God would do us all a favour if they could communicate this awakening of women (which many men consciously or unconsciously have embraced in their marriages and are completely fine and happy with), and stop perpetuating the one-sided view, which in my opinion is ruining marriages because it is breeding intolerance on the part of the men. So I guess you want to know how my fears have been conquered in my four years of marriage? My answer is simple; I wish I had married my man earlier (I married at 26). What the hell was I waiting for? Simply, it is a beautiful union because we respect, appreciate each other and rely on the substance of the other as pivotal to the sustenance of the marriage. My husband tells me that what first attracted him to me was the fact that I acted like a lady and thought like a man. He didn�t feel intimidated by it. He loved it, and that is why he put a ring on it! And for the avoidance of doubt, I haven�t changed, and he still loves it. Today�s man should know that for today�s woman, admitting (and publicly too) to being submissive to your man is not easy, perhaps almost as difficult as asking a man to give up his natural ego, but I can do it because he makes it easy. So if you consider me a feminist because of my views, then I am; a feminist who is happily married and totally submissive to her man, not because he demands it or I am �weak,� but because he has earned it; he totally loves me. Duncan what? Please come again.